Well, here I sit, head to toe in pit mud. I am at a loss for words. I have spent the evening going from place to place in the blogosphere. Got caught up on my blog reading. Got caught up on my MOG forum stuff. Updated my 2007 Book List. Even wrote a lame book review on GOOTP.
And now. Nothing. I was once prompted by a blog-friend to just sit down and write. Doesn’t matter if you have the words at first. Pray, ask for words, then write.
I have been avoiding God today. Yesterday too. I’ve been willing to talk to Him for the sake of others. And for the sake of the struggles going on in the blogosphere. But when it comes to the food. I’ve given up. Stopped investing. Stopped stopping myself from eating. I go to the kitchen whenever I feel bad. I am avoiding the TLT study because I know that the next one is about exercise. Besides, I’m already at like day 32 or something and I’ve not lost a thing. By this point in my WDW world I’d lost like 10 pounds! And it just flew off!
How can I recreate that level of success?
Do I want to? Is that what I’m really after? My mom said something to me a day or two ago and it’s been floating around in the back of my mind. She urged me to stop stressing so much about my weight and worry more about my health. At first I didn’t see much of a difference. My weight is such a huge component of (or detriment to) my health that it’s hard for me to see anything else to focus on. But there’s that “E” thing. Exercise. My heart health. I’ve got diabetes in my family as well as heart trouble. I need to get it into my head if I’m not proactive. I could die of a heart attack. And pretty young too! My mom has already had two heart attacks. My grandma (mom’s mom) had a triple (quadruple?) bypass. My grandfather also had a few heart attacks before he died.
I go this weekend for a complete physical. My first since my six-week post-partum checkup after having J5. It scares me. So many things to discuss. I had a bunch of blood tests done over a month ago and the results have just been sitting there. (Had to reschedule for a time when J4 would be home to take care of J5).
I absolutely KNOW that something needs to change. I don’t want to do it chemically if I don’t have to.
Is this a spiritual battle? Is my journey one that God can/must be intimately a part of? Or is this just old-fashioned self discipline needed? Why do I have such a thick skull about this? It’s not new. It’s not rocket science.
God, help me. Please.
After reading a thread on MOG, I decided to start the Lord’s Table study again. For those of you who may not know, it’s a free study you can do online. It’s similar in style to Thin Within, but it does not focus much on eating habits or “practical tips” for weight loss. It is a Bible study and deals almost solely with the spiritual aspects of disordered/unhealthy eating.
