Lundie's Life

I have hit a bit of a crisis time in my life. No, there hasn’t been any huge trauma. I’ve just hit a point where my ability to filter out the noise is too low. I’m feeling way too vulnerable and fearful to willingly place myself into the sewer flow of the stream of consciousness of masses of people via Social Media. I just can’t take it anymore.

The internet is not all bad. I found Dr. Lissa Rankin’s blog and her new book that way.

[I originally meant this as a private post, but it posted and triggered the feed email. Guess I'll leave it out here for now.]

I am a fan of my personal space. I don’t like to be encroached upon. I get claustrophobic easily.

I also don’t like confrontation. I don’t like feeling trapped in situations.

Today was not my day.

I had to run by a grocery store for a bunch of items I neglected to pick up on grocery day. I decided the place with the best selection for what I needed was Jewel. It was on my path home from work, so I just ran in, nabbed a cart and zipped through for my 5 or 6 things. I go through the checkout line quite smoothly, but then as the bagger is about halfway through loading my things, the manager says something to him and he starts to follow her. I thought it was strange, but I just figured he needed to ask her something. No biggie.

So, I grab the last couple of things on the counter and cram them into the bag, toss them in my cart and head out. Then I hear, “Go! Go! Follow her!” I turn to look and he’s headed right behind me. I turn around and look at the manager with a definite “WTF?” look, and she says “He has to go with you to your car.” I say, “No thanks! I have it just fine!” And she says, “He has to. Corporate wants it this way.” I continue to give her the incredulous “You’re kidding me, right?” look and she says, “Yeah, he’ll just follow you and bring back the cart. There can’t be any carts in the lot.”

I’m shaking my head and the poor bag guy is still following me. Once I get out the double doors, I just turn, tuck my cart into a spot next to a ton of other abandoned carts, and say “That’s ok. I’ve got this.” and grab my 2 bags and hoof it to the car.

Totally creeped me out. What the hell is the point of that exercise? I can only imagine what sort of business meeting this birthed from. Someone tries to figure out a way to make their store a good old fashioned premium service store with “cart to car” service. I guess? I’m really struggling to come up with how this could be a good thing. Am I supposed to tip the guy? I don’t WANT the service, why the heck should I be forced to:

1) Have a stranger follow me to my parked car, and
2) Have said stranger either arrange my bags in my trunk (a process which I am a bit particular about) or
3) Have stranger just lurk to one side while I do the work until the cart is empty and s/he can take it back?

Is this supposed to encourage good feelings between me and the poor bagger? Maybe I’m supposed to be cultivating feelings of pity?

Anyway, as an introvert, this is a nightmare in the making. It’s bad enough I have to make polite chit chat with the checker and bagger in the checkout line as they “ring me up”. I don’t need to extend the painful banter all the way out to my car and throughout the unload. I honestly DO appreciate the offer of “help out to your car?” being made on a regular basis, though I decline the offer about 90% of the time. For those times when I’ve had back pain, or purchased something particularly heavy, I gratefully accept. Why mess with a good thing?

Bottom line, I will now go out of my way to NOT shop there until I know it’s safe…

</rant>

I have spent way too much of my life being uptight. Worrying constantly about how what I do or say, or don’t do, or don’t say, affects the way others think about me. It’s like I offered out these bits of my soul, and tried to package them attractively in the hopes that the approval of others would give me worth.

The problem is, those bits of myself weren’t actually me. They were projections that I used to feel worth. To feel approval. To feel safe. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the illusion of worth, but when the approval winds change, you’re left with nothing stable. Nothing solid.

It was a bad place to find myself. I’d spent years cultivating the right approvers in my life. People that had power in some way. People that had the respect of others. Judgmental people. Those are the best, by the way. The judgmental ones are happy to bestow their approval when you play up to them, find their social currency, and work to earn it.

Lately, (and I suspect the 40 year mark had something to do with it — 42 is just around the corner) I find that the approval-junkie in me is getting tired. It’s exhausting. And from what I’m learning, it’s not fooling anyone. There’s a horribly unnecessary frailty in living that kind of illusionary life.

What is gained when I choose to be me, no matter how wart-covered and stumbly, is connection. And peace. When I spend time with one of my cherished authentic friends, it’s good. It’s peaceful. It’s connection. It’s solid. We walk away from the encounter each a little better than before.

My posts here may become a little more ragged. A little more disjointed, but welcome. It’s a slice of genuine Lundie’s Life.

Some things about me:

• I hate fake chit chat, it exhausts me
• I enjoy being alone
• I listen a lot
• I DO talk, and sometimes can prattle when it’s a topic I’m excited about
• I love to write (mostly in my journal, but working on blogging more, to exercise my writing voice)
• Just because I don’t jump into a conversation in a group doesn’t mean I’m not actively listening and processing
• If you’re being fake, I can usually tell, and won’t invest myself
• I love a quiet house
• I’m currently digging deeper into minimalism (like Becker and Babauta) and meditation (like Freeman and Babauta)
• I am very happily married to my best friend

Blessings.

I hate confrontations. As an introvert, sometimes even basic interactions can be difficult. There’s a lot of noise out there. Chit chat is a real struggle.

Lately, I have noticed just how little people listen. Arguments where both people refuse to stop and let the other finish their thought. As if talking louder, and longer, and being able to complete your sentence over the top of the other somehow makes you more right, or more heard, or unbelievably, means you “win”.

But that’s not the case. When you talk over someone else, you’re simply disrespecting them. They’re talking – they’re not listening to you. Being louder and more abrasive doesn’t make you better. Interrupting them doesn’t help them learn or open their mind to you. It very likely doesn’t make your point clearer either.

I understand. When I’m hearing something that I disagree with, my immediate instinct is to yell “No, no, no!” but I’m learning that I can go a long way if I only show light visible signs of disagreement, but let the person talking complete their thought. Who knows? Maybe if they finish their sentence, and I actually listen to it, they’ll share their reasoning that will change my mind. And if it doesn’t, then at least I have a better idea of where I can start to focus my argument.

It’s so rare to find genuine listeners. It takes practice and awareness. I have a social engagement later today, perfect time to practice listening. And if no one is talking, silence really is ok.

Really.